Lena Dunham is controversial. Is that because she’s a successful woman? Quick, name a successful woman who’s not controversial. Hurry. Thought so. Well Lena Dunham — the creator and star of HBO’s controversial ‘Girls’, but you knew that — is not only talented and successful, she also ranks among the world’s best FU slammers. Lena lands on you and kaboom! Us mag just put a pic of her on its cover with the headline “20 Slimdown Diet Tips Stars are Using.” Apparently the only thing Us got right is that Dunham is a star.
The rest, Dunham disagrees with entirely, bodily, fully, wholly, on principle, viscerally, utterly and totally. Or at least that’s the only reasonable interpretation of #20, which reads “I have no tips I give no tips I don’t want to be on this cover cuz it’s diametrically opposed to everything I’ve fought my whole career.” The real reasons she may have lost some weight basically include threats, anxiety, misogyny, rage and “constant sweaty dreams of a dystopian future” according to her 20-item listicle manifesto on the world’s present ills.
20 slimdown diet tips! 1. anxiety disorder * 2. resultant constant nausea 3. an election that reveals the true depths of American misogyny 4. constant sweaty dreams of dystopian future 5. abdominal adhesions pinning ovary below uterus * 6. baseless but still harrowing threats to physical safety online and through smail mail 7. watching institutions you love from Planned Parenthood to PBS be threatened by cartoon mustache-twirling villains 8. finally realizing superheroes aren’t real (specifically the X-Factor, really thought they’d handle this) 9. marching your ass off 10. a quiet rage that replaces need for food with need for revenge 11. sleeping 19 hours a day 12. realizing that even the liberal media wants dem clicks no matter whut 13. worrying ceaselessly about the health and safety of women you know and women you don’t 14. realizing who ya real friends are 15. having to switch from Uber to Lyft (lots of calories burned trying to understand a new app, then even more trying to understand if the conflict was resolved) 16. bladder spasms, urinary frequency and urgency * 17. having your phone number leaked and violent images texted to your phone by randos under names like [email protected] 18. keeping your back arched against the wind 19. um, who the fuck cares? 20. I have no tips I give no tips I don’t want to be on this cover cuz it’s diametrically opposed to everything I’ve fought my whole career for and it’s not a compliment to me because it’s not an achievement thanx * Star indicates a pre-existing condition