The 2015 Masters had better TV ratings than last year, an uptick that might give a false sense of life to a sport that died this weekend. Golf’s light will remain visible for a while, like that of distant stars that died out millions of years ago–but the game is over. Enormously popular at the turn of the last century–before Facebook, Twitter, iPhones and Spotify–golf’s moment in the cultural zeitgeist is now as receded as Tiger Woods’ elegant but mature hairline.
Here’s the good news–for golf lovers and haters alike. Even the game’s great advocates and aficionados tire of hearing the same exhausted phrases unpacked to describe an activity that essentially defies narration. So here is a happy list of things we won’t have to hear on that fast-approaching day when golf’s posthumous light no longer reaches national TV. Here’s what golfers and golf announcers currently can’t stop saying.
- I’ve just got to play my own ball (yup, that’s the rule)
- Gotta make putts out there (duh)
- Just gotta play one hole at a time (again, you know, the rules)
- The wind was really blowing out there (it’s wind)
- Just trying to play my game (yup, we saw that)
- What a golf shot! (that adjective? we know)
- He’s got to get it in the short grass (not the trees, got it)
- I just tried not to make a lot of mistakes today (good thinking)
- *He’s on the green, but still has some work to do. (Really? Shouldn’t the ball automatically gravitate towards the hole on its own?)
*NUMBER 9 is a bonus, supplied by 2p reader Borecrusher–we had to include it!