Remember the good old days when Reality Television was known for little more than being the home of genially obnoxious pseudo-celebrities who were thrilled to have their fifteen minutes of fame, but who pretty much left you alone and didn’t intrude on you or hector you about your life? Simpler times. Phil Robertson, duck-caller and evangelical Christian, has now added ‘sex advice’ to his growing resume. And what advice! Are you having “Biblically-correct sex”? You are? Then you needn’t worry about AIDS or any other sexually-transmitted disease. “Biblically correct sex is safe,” Robertson said during a recent sermon at a Louisiana church. “It’s safe. You’re not going to get chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, AIDS — if a man marries a woman, and neither of you have it, and you keep your sex between the two of you, you’re not going to get ever sexually transmitted diseases.” Biblically-correct sex? Hang on, does he mean stuff like this?
“Debilitating diseases” are spreading around the world, and Robertson blamed that on “orthodox liberal opinion” and “sexually immoral” behavior. Sexually moral behavior, according to Robertson, means monogamy (something he isn’t exactly great at, just, you know, FYI.) “Man meets woman, marries her, keeps his sex right there,” he said. “The children come, the chances of them getting a sexually transmitted disease, would you say is almost zero? You can say it.” However, according to the CDC, although “being in a long-term mutually monogamous relationship with an uninfected partner is one of the most reliable ways to avoid STDs … you must both be certain you are not infected with STDs.” And Elizabeth Boskey, an expert on STDs, says that monogamy doesn’t always mean no infection. “If you were infected while having sex with a partner who had not been tested in years, there is always the possibility that they were infected asymptomatically a long time before you got together – and just didn’t know it,” Boskey wrote. “Even when you are having sex with someone who is infected with an std, you won’t necessarily get infected the first time you sleep together. Particularly if you intermittently practice safe sex, it could take months or even years.” But this is probably too close to “orthodox liberal opinion” for Robertson. I have the perfect solution, though: Robertson should use his whistle-making skills to concoct a special tool that alerts potential partners that you have been regularly tested and are STD-free. Let’s call it a f*ck-call.